Before I stopped using alcohol and drugs I knew nothing about God. After I stopped I still had no factual, concrete, hold in your hand evidence, so at first my understanding of God was shaped mostly by what I didn’t want Him to be. Today I’m not able to reconcile even those things in my mind. The longer I stay clean and attempting to live by spiritual principles the less I know about God and the more comfortable I am with that. I am continually presented with circumstances that, from my vantage point, evidence God to be working in the world. Where my faith comes from however is within my heart. My head accepts only evidence. My head questions the most basic information and looks to disprove everything. How things get in my heart I’m not too sure of, but I know the things coming out of my heart are absolute truths. My heart is a knower not a thinker. God lives in my heart, it told me so. Many are the things I learn from my heart. Like what a perfectly loveable, and loving, human being I am. My heart also tells me how loveable and loving you are. I also learn from my heart that God is always available to me and will help me if I choose to ask. It tells me that God has in the past graced me with His love, but that I should not depend on grace. I’ve learned that God helps him that helps himself. And more importantly, He helps him that asks.
There are days when I am taking action based on the thought processes in my head and those days are not my best. They do provide me with ample learning opportunities which though not all bad, are not too comfortable either. Occasionally my heart and head work in harmony and I have great days. On those days I am acting within an awareness of God and I feel blessed. There is a freedom of choice in all of this that I believe to be God’s most blessed gift to me. He allows me to know the fear and loneliness of living unaware of his love so that having had that experience I might rejoice when I feel His hand on my heart. The freedom is for me to be me, good and bad, spiritual and ego centric, they all have their place. These qualities are neither right nor wrong, they are simply who I am, a precious child of God.
Outlined above is what I choose to believe about God and me today. I say believe, because “I don’t know much about God, but I’m glad He knows a lot about me.” Today I am grateful to be aware of Him and His grace.
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